Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
