you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
