you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
