Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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