Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
