my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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