Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize