C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
