I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
