I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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