"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
