Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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