Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
