hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize