i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
