I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
