The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
