I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
