everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
