Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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