no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
