i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I stole a fireplace last night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
