i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
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It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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