One girl and one boy is just not enough.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
