is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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