I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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