I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
