My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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