Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
