I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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