end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
