normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
