did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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