My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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