Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
