When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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