So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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