My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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