You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
