I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
