My sheets look like a crime scene.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
