So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
