He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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