Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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