$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
