i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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