Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
