I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How naked do you want me to be?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
