the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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