my text book just quoted the cookie monster
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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