We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
