How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
