I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
