Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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