we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
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Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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