the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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