Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk is not a location!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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