Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
