I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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