Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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