Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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