Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
